Ok, I'm not going to lie. I hate hurricanes. I don't see it as an opportunity to reflect on life or anything. I see it as a pain in my side and yet another test to my ability to stay home without going absolutely crazy.
Well, guess what? The storm never came. We are only going to get loads of water in the next ten hours. All I am praying for is that they don't start until I see the finale for Project Runway.
I am exhausted and in no mood to write, but I know that only by saying exactly how I feel, can I look back in a few months and see where I was and where am I going.
In a more positive note, I am taking a short course on ivillage.com about creating a web site. I love it, even though I waited for the last possible minute to take it (I have until Friday and I started last night). But to be honest with you, I've learned so much in the first three lessons that if I don't get a chance to finish the other three, I know I will be on my way.
Hopefully it will help me jazz this up a little bit...or myspace. Keep trying.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Storm's brewing and you need to keep your cool
Small post today, we are getting ready for a tropical storm here.
That is the reason for my post. Usually, this would be the perfect opportunity to stray from your goals for several reasons:
1) you are anxious
2) your food choices are dictated by whether you have electricity, gas stove, etc.
3) it's raining outside and you are stuck indoors.
This year, I thought more carefully. Yes, I got the token canned goods in order to have a hot meal at some point (I do have a gas stove and cook top). But I also have some fruit for a couple of days, plenty of water, tuna with crackers and other goodies that will make this healthier than usual.
Even though I do want to take advantage of the opportunity and get some soda (in a can), I am making sure that we have plenty of water, some natural juice (for variety) and milk, and a beach cooler that holds the ice temperature for up to five days (we have tested it a couple of times and it works, even in hot weather). The beach cooler can hold a water bottle, a juice bottle, a milk bottle and about three days worth of food, if needed.
As far as the exercise and the anxiety, I have a stationary bike and a stationary butt and leg exercise machine which are both great for aerobic workouts. I also have free weights and enough rip sheets from the magazines to keep me occupied, even if we have no electricity. And I saved some water to be able to take some sort of bath if the water is also taken away.
So, I am ready. Now I have to give up my computer while I finish setting up. Tell me what you think, and if you have some suggestions, send them anyway. I might be able to see them here or with our laptop computer.
Keep trying and don't forget to write.
That is the reason for my post. Usually, this would be the perfect opportunity to stray from your goals for several reasons:
1) you are anxious
2) your food choices are dictated by whether you have electricity, gas stove, etc.
3) it's raining outside and you are stuck indoors.
This year, I thought more carefully. Yes, I got the token canned goods in order to have a hot meal at some point (I do have a gas stove and cook top). But I also have some fruit for a couple of days, plenty of water, tuna with crackers and other goodies that will make this healthier than usual.
Even though I do want to take advantage of the opportunity and get some soda (in a can), I am making sure that we have plenty of water, some natural juice (for variety) and milk, and a beach cooler that holds the ice temperature for up to five days (we have tested it a couple of times and it works, even in hot weather). The beach cooler can hold a water bottle, a juice bottle, a milk bottle and about three days worth of food, if needed.
As far as the exercise and the anxiety, I have a stationary bike and a stationary butt and leg exercise machine which are both great for aerobic workouts. I also have free weights and enough rip sheets from the magazines to keep me occupied, even if we have no electricity. And I saved some water to be able to take some sort of bath if the water is also taken away.
So, I am ready. Now I have to give up my computer while I finish setting up. Tell me what you think, and if you have some suggestions, send them anyway. I might be able to see them here or with our laptop computer.
Keep trying and don't forget to write.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Discoveries, observations and truths
This weekend was full of discoveries. I discovered that my past was embarrassing enough that I was letting it drive my future. And once the word was out about my past, it did not hold that power anymore. What am I talking about? Allow me to explain.
There are two things in my life that I have always kept hidden about myself:
1) I was anorexic in my late teens and when I was 20.
2) I was raped when I was 20 and drugged and raped again at 25 (by a different person).
Oddly enough, the first time, I was 105 - 110 pounds. And I thought I was beautiful back then. When I was 25, I had recently given birth and lost a whopping 40 pounds (back at 130 after 9 months and 170 pounds on the day of my daughter's birth). Somehow I associated being raped with being skinny. I guess subconsciously I figured, if I'm fat no one will touch me. But I was miserable.
Why did I become anorexic? That is a totally different story. When I was in high school, I weighted 120 pounds. I remember everyone talking about the freshman 20 when I started college. But because I already felt fat at 18 years old, I could not let that happen. And besides, it was so easy to fake my way through a meal. Breakfast was always a blur in my house. Back then, my first college class was at 7 AM which meant that I had to leave my house at 5 AM to avoid traffic and get a good parking spot. Lunch was even easier: I would fill my tray in the cafeteria with all the goodies my friends liked and for every spoonful I got, they would all take one (in our table, there were always about 8 or 10 boys and about the same amount of girls and I always had the boys around to feed). Nobody ever noticed. And then, by the time I got home, more often than not, if I said I ate at school, everyone believed me. But then, two years later, the rape happened and I blamed myself, for being so skinny.
Observations and truths: I've been holding it in for twenty years. I guess all the exercise and eating right was not working because in my heart, I am still that young girl who thinks men can hurt me if I am skinny and powerless. Boy, do I have a lot of work to do to work this out. But the most important thing is that now that is all out in the open, I have seen nothing but support from both family and friends. Even those who don't know me personally are being extremely supportive. And I thank them all on my way to recovery.
Keep trying.
There are two things in my life that I have always kept hidden about myself:
1) I was anorexic in my late teens and when I was 20.
2) I was raped when I was 20 and drugged and raped again at 25 (by a different person).
Oddly enough, the first time, I was 105 - 110 pounds. And I thought I was beautiful back then. When I was 25, I had recently given birth and lost a whopping 40 pounds (back at 130 after 9 months and 170 pounds on the day of my daughter's birth). Somehow I associated being raped with being skinny. I guess subconsciously I figured, if I'm fat no one will touch me. But I was miserable.
Why did I become anorexic? That is a totally different story. When I was in high school, I weighted 120 pounds. I remember everyone talking about the freshman 20 when I started college. But because I already felt fat at 18 years old, I could not let that happen. And besides, it was so easy to fake my way through a meal. Breakfast was always a blur in my house. Back then, my first college class was at 7 AM which meant that I had to leave my house at 5 AM to avoid traffic and get a good parking spot. Lunch was even easier: I would fill my tray in the cafeteria with all the goodies my friends liked and for every spoonful I got, they would all take one (in our table, there were always about 8 or 10 boys and about the same amount of girls and I always had the boys around to feed). Nobody ever noticed. And then, by the time I got home, more often than not, if I said I ate at school, everyone believed me. But then, two years later, the rape happened and I blamed myself, for being so skinny.
Observations and truths: I've been holding it in for twenty years. I guess all the exercise and eating right was not working because in my heart, I am still that young girl who thinks men can hurt me if I am skinny and powerless. Boy, do I have a lot of work to do to work this out. But the most important thing is that now that is all out in the open, I have seen nothing but support from both family and friends. Even those who don't know me personally are being extremely supportive. And I thank them all on my way to recovery.
Keep trying.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
My secret hideaway
Posts
